Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
What fresh Hell is this?!?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.