Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …