your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
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I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
this came to me in a vision
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.