For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes