That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
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4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠