9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way