Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.