[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Self-cleaning conscience
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating