Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet