Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
You Might Also Like
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Happy weekend !
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list