After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.