Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
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Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
These 3D printers are insane!
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
pictures of spider-man
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.