If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
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It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*serious situation*
My brain:
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Spotted in New Orleans.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work