Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
What a chick magnet..
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago