Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
We avoided this particular disaster
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.