[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
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Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
We’ve all been there
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!