aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…