It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Siri, fight Alexa.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?