If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
sir, my pâté if you please
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.