Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
You Might Also Like
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.