saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
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I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!