a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
The Joker was right
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.