My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I’m calling the cops.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.