[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
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just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
no such thing as a dumb question
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.