*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
That time Alicia messaged me
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out