HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
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Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
How actors in movies eat their food
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.