Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
…żyje?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀