Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
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I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
oh my gosh!!
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
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Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out