Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.