I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.