[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.