“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.