In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
had to make it
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
man i love columbo
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes