*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
You Might Also Like
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.