Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
the rocks need my help
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
and this one
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.