There’s only one good girl here!
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I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
this is so top tier i cant