If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this