There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
You Might Also Like
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Florida be like…
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.