dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
they really do be looking like this