i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
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Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
That earthquake could have been an email.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*