Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
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Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what