I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Cucumbers Anonymous
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??