when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
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This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Bike for sale
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.