My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Have kids, they said
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.