if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
You Might Also Like
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Somebody call the cops.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
BOSS: why are you late?
ME: