Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me