My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
It’s the weekend y’all
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*