Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend