IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this