“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
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I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”